Tips and ‘Tricks’ for Effectively Communicating with your Child
“Sometimes I just don’t get her” …
“Where did he learn to say that”
“Why does he do that”…
“He never listens …”
How many times do we all hear other parents voicing frustration with their children? And, if we are honest with ourselves, we are doing the same, probably more often than we would like to admit … even to ourselves.
If even one of the above questions sounds familiar, then you are part of the majority. You would be amazed at how many parents of children (young and not so young) entertain such simple thoughts from time to time, especially when their child seems to be acting up or zoning out.
But here’s the thing – it’s all ‘part of the job’. There is no easy way around this, though of course some families will experience greater stress in trying to achieve a good level of interaction and connection between parent and child than others.
So … a different question. How well do you know your children? Or … how well do you communicate and engage with them … give them space (and place) to be who they choose to be … allow them to explore their world with confidence?
Children have their own way of thinking, doing things, behaving and acting. And, as parents we really have to walk a very thin tightrope – a balance of allowing our children to grow into who they really are, but at the same time ‘fit in’ to:
- family expectations
- school requirements
- friendship, relationship and future career aspirations.
Your child was born as a unique human being, one with a ready-made set of strengths, weaknesses and gifts … their ‘talent’ … the value they will bring to others as they grow towards adulthood, if allowed and encouraged to.
But this will be pushed down over time if they are not allowed to express these characteristics, unable to communicate / share their thoughts and feelings with the people most important in their life … you – their parents.
So, you may be thinking “what has all this got to do with ‘communication’ tips?” But it actually lies at the heart of ongoing effective interaction between you and your child … awareness, understanding, acceptance – the foundations of engaged communication.
Every one of us can admit to times when we have felt frustrated with our children … they don’t listen, they don’t understand, they seem intent on doing things their way no matter. You get the idea.
As you can imagine, therefore, the key to effectively communicating with your child is to see their world through their eyes, to enter their world and get a better sense of what they are gong through day in and day out.
By spending time and energy in identifying your child’s natural way of thinking and acting in this manner, you will …
- put yourself in a better position to guide your child along their own natural path of engagement and behaviour
- be able to communicate with them on a level that resonates so clearly and directly with them
- ask better questions … and get better responses from them in return.
More so, talking to them in ways they understand will change how you discipline and support your child, and how they ‘see’ you from their perspective. You will have the makings of a contented child, and a contented child leads to a contented mum and dad.
Is this not a ‘win-win’ for all?
For many parents, the above discussion is not new to them. They have taken time and energy to really get to know their child, and to make their child comfortable in spending their time and energy with them.
But nonetheless, for all parents there will always be a ‘battle’ in getting through to their child at certain times and in certain situations. It’s just a matter of the scale of the battle.
So, what are some simple tips (some might say ‘tricks’) for communicating effectively with your child … once you have ‘mastered’ the above?
But first, before launching into some tips we know work well, let’s pause for a moment and consider one more ‘little precursor’ to good communication between you and your child … trust.
Yes, we all know that word … but do we really understand its meaning?
Here’s the thing. Trust as a concept is a measure of the value seen in something, or someone.
The greater the perceived value, the greater the trust. So, in this case, the more your child values you for being good parents, and being there for them when needed, the more they will trust you in times of need.
However, the moment that perceived value is lost … for example you have let them down (even if unknowingly) with something really important to them … worse, it has happened more than once … their trust in you will be diminished, and the all-important communication channels damaged.
And this is a ‘two-way’ street. It may be your child that lets you down, leaving you to doubt them to some degree … to expect them to act inappropriately and treat them accordingly.
Good communication can only ever be present when all parties to the conversation (in whatever form it takes) have sufficient trust in each other and are consequently prepared to invest in the conversation.
When there is mutual trust and respect, we begin to experience a sense of ‘flow’ – a feeling of engaging together effortlessly and with great harmony.
With the above serving as a solid foundation for effective communication, here are nine tips we would like to share here that, while sounding easy or simple, have the potential to make a significant difference to the outcome of any engagement between parent and child, to create that ‘family flow’.
Tip ❶: Breath To Stay Calm
Think of a conversation you have had with your child that didn’t go as planned. Was it challenging for you and/or your child as a result? Did either … or neither … of you remain calm?
You see, the one who remains the calmest is the one to likely benefit most from the interaction.
It usually goes like the diagram suggests, if one or both get ‘wound up’.
If and when you sense this happening, try taking a big breath and relaxing (if only in your mind).
Taking time out to slow any growing frustration can drastically improve the chances of everyone enjoying a mutually successful conversation.
When you do such simple things as breathing slowly (while counting to five) you allow your brain to calm down and begin to react in a more relaxed and ‘normal’ manner … and this is much more conducive to a positive and enjoyable exchange.
Tip ❷: Keep To The Point
If you are a ‘talker’, no matter how much your child will want to listen he/she will eventually shut you out, especially if this is a common theme to your conversations.
And, quite likely it will happen in anticipation and automatically. So, if you need to make a clear point, there are two ways to handle this.
- You can deliver your message a few sentences at a time, pausing for breath in between to keep focused.
You see, your child needs (and no doubt wants) to hear what you have to say, but most of us can only handle a certain (and small) amount of incoming information at one time before tuning out (the more so the younger the child).
- If you know there is a lot to be said, perhaps due to the nature/intent of the conversation, then let this be known at the outset.
This will allow your child to get ready for the onslaught of words and be in a better position to mentally control their frustration at being ‘talked at’.
Tip ❸: Smile While You Talk
Ever tried being angry while smiling? Not an easy thing to do. Before launching into a conversation with your child that could prove difficult, bring a funny cartoon figure into your mind.
With this image in your thoughts, you unconsciously present a relaxed and happy face that will in return stimulate a feeling of calm and trust in your child’s mind.
Most likely (and unconsciously) they will mirror your ‘happy face’, and you will both enjoy a more relaxed conversation.
Tip ❹: Connect To Affect
Engaging your child by ‘forcing’ them to look at you has the ability to:
| stimulate connection | increase a feeling of ‘good’ |
| decrease stress | enhance empathy |
More so, if you really look into your child’s eyes (but don’t stare) you will be better able to judge how your words are being received and the impact you are having on your child.
| anger | sadness | surprise | happiness |
| distrust | disappointment | disinterest | confusion |
The more common, and easy to identify expressions, include:
Judging how your words are being received allows you to monitor the reactions (or potential reactions) of your child and adjust your language (verbal and body) to ensure a conversation continues down the right track, or simply moves back on the track you intended.
Tip ❺: Appreciation Leads To Connection
How you start a conversation predicts its outcome. When your child feels you are happily taking the time to listen to them you it encourages them to be willing to take on board what you have to say.
This will create a longer lasting effect on both them and the outcome of the conversation itself.
However, if you begin in an aggressive or confronting way, they will become defensive and be less prepared to join in the conversation, meaning any real chance of achieving a successful outcome becomes less likely.
Tip ❻: Understanding Empathy Encourages ‘Buy in’
Speaking with your child to portray ‘understanding and empathy’ has the potential to foster committed attention and ultimately heightened interest in the content of a conversation.
This is particularly important when you need your child to really understand the seriousness of the situation and ensure he/she is supportive of your message and its potential impact on them and the family.
Tip ❼: Positive Approaches Create Positive Outcomes
Negative thoughts can have quite an influence on how your child chooses to process a conversation, leading to a defensive reaction or immediate distrust. That can be quite powerful if accompanied by matching body language.
Even something as simple as a raised eyebrow can signal a fight or flight reaction, leading ultimately to a damaging confrontation at best or isolation at worst.
The best way to avoid this outcome is to try and replace a negative thought with at least three to five positive ones before diving in to the conversation. Remaining positive before, during and after a conversation has the greatest potential to elicit a positive outcome.
Tip ❽: Listening Versus Speaking
If you are like most of us, you will have a tendency to formulate your response to someone’s conversation before they even finish what they are saying. Sometimes we actually start talking before they finish.
How many of us have started to talk, for example, about something we just experienced, only to find the other person butting in to tell us their story.
Or have you ever mentally rehearsed a joke to respond to the other person’s joke while they were still telling it … and then wonder why you can never remember jokes???
This is one of the hardest behaviours to master – to speak then listen, focusing on the other person’s body language, facial expressions and of course the words they use.
Tip ❾: Rinse And Repeat
Paraphrasing is an age-old and effective method of ensuring your child knows that they have been listened to and understood throughout the conversation.
Doing this, and with practice to ensure it is genuine, will help keep your conversations with your child on track and meaningful, and more likely to engender their attention to what is being said.
It will greatly assist the connection between you and your child when practiced regularly.
Communication between parent and child can be a difficult task to master at any age. Regardless of ‘tips’, therefore, the one thing that will above all support and encourage your child to communicate with you openly and honestly is talking, listening and engaging with positive intent and purpose.
However, having access to (and making consistent and positive use of) some remarkably effective communication strategies has the potential to establish a strong and enjoyable connection with your child, now and into the future. It clearly shows them (though actions as well as words) that you …
- understand how your child thinks, acts and behaves
- are prepared and committed to engaging with them more effectively.
And, even a very young child will pick up on this and respond well.
Nonetheless, as your child enters those ‘teenage years’, they may well seem almost impossible to connect with. However, what you have established up to this point will allow you the best chance of continuing to communicate with effect through this difficult (for them and for you) time.
You are the adult in this mix … you must accept the responsibility, at least until your child has reached an age that reflects the maturity of a young adult, at which time they must assume the responsibility as much as you have throughout the preceding years.
A difficult responsibility to bear … yes.
One that brings great rewards for your family over time … Absolutely.
Jeff Withers & Maree Malouf
Success Dynamics Global
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